The drug that is self harm

Good evening!!

Kerri

Just thought I'd introduce myself a bit more, for those who don't know much about No Secrets.
I'm Kerri and I co-founded No Secrets with my mum in 2007.


I've self harmed as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I would bang my head against doors/walls/floors. I would shine torches in my eyes, or put creams/lotions in my eyes. I would scratch myself, pinch myself, punch myself. But the weird thing is, I thought this was something that everyone did, even though I never witnessed my friends doing similar things.


As a teenager, I supported other teens on a website, who struggled with various things, self harm included. I used to hate getting emails from people who self harmed, because I never knew what to say or suggest. I just couldn't understand why somebody would want to hurt themselves to avoid pain.


If I'm honest, I did think the majority of time, that it was about attention seeking, all the while, not realising that I too was self harming, as another of my somewhat discriminatory views was that everyone who self harms cuts themselves.


And lastly, I thought that if people didn't want to carry on self harming, that they could simply stop. I mean, how could hurting or injuring yourself be addictive? I would find out!


I was 18 when I realised I had a problem with self harm, when I started cutting myself. The first time I did it, it was just so 'normal' and 'natural' - as if I was doing my hair, having a drink or something. I couldn't sleep, I was restless, confused, numb & overwhelmed. I got out of bed, cut myself, cleaned myself up and went to sleep - only really thinking about what I'd done the day after when my legs were stinging. And that's how it started. From then on, I couldn't get to sleep if I hadn't harmed myself.


Suddenly, I understood why people cause themselves pain to avoid pain & how it helps them understand things. I couldn't see my emotional turmoil inside, all those overwhelming feelings. I couldn't see them, I couldn't explain them, I couldn't express them. They were so painful it was unbelievable. Yet when I hurt myself, I could see why I was hurting... having an injury on my body made it easier for me to understand pain. And no matter how badly I injured myself, or how much it hurt me, it never hurt me like I was hurting inside. It was easier to focus on the physical pain, because the emotional pain hurt me more than anything else could.


I also realised that this isn't an attention seeking behaviour for most people. I went for months and months without anybody knowing what I was doing to myself. It was my secret. The thought of others finding out about it filled me with dread. I didn't want attention, hence why I was hiding my behaviour and my injuries.


And that other thought, that it was easy for people to stop it when they wanted to - that dissolved after the first time I cut myself. I found out, after that first night, that self harm IS addictive. I felt like I couldn't live without it. I felt so much worse if I hadn't self harmed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't understand myself, I couldn't handle anything. Self harm for me, had become like a drug that took the edge off how bad I felt.


It was only with time, as I ran out of space on my legs, then arms, that I realised, self harm wasn't my friend. It wasn't this great drug that helped me. It was slowly destroying me and my body. IT had control of me. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get away from it. It was all I thought about, day and night. It became my life.


Part 2 coming soon :-) xx